Oh, and I forgot to mention, I've tested the MySQL query using a MySQL
client, and connecting to it from 4 different WAN-side IPs, I've been
able to get the same result, which is a table with 2 columns and 2
entry rows (1 defining row on top not included in the count). This,
to my understanding, would make the query return two rows to PHP, yet
it's not doing so.

--
Patrick Reilly
Webmaster, Salem Engineering, Inc.

Rankin wrote:

[...] which is a table with 2 columns and 2
entry rows (1 defining row on top not included in the count).

A "defining row on top"??? WTF??!?!

I strongly suggest you study how relational database systems work. Really.
It seems you're needing it, badly.

--
----------------------------------
Iván Sánchez Ortega -ivan-algarroba-sanchezortega-punto-es-

He hath eaten me out of house and home.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"